Scorpius' Day Off
by Dirk-Steadfast
Summary: Scorpius goes to Hogwarts for his first year, but has trouble fitting in. Luckily, the young, buxom Rose Weasley is there to help relieve the lonesomeness. Unfortunately, her male relatives have intentions of a far more aggressive nature. Rated M for potty mouth.


**A/N: Ol Bob and I do it again. "What is 'It'?" you ask, well it's better not to touch upon these sorts of things. **

**Scorpius' Day Off**

Scorpius Malfoy, progeny of that most odious, malevolent, and none-too-nice Draco Malfoy (and that what's her face, Astoria Greengrass), turned out to be an apple that had fallen far, far afield of the family tree. He was, for all intents and purposes, a pretty swell guy. How did this come to be, you ask? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. First off, Daddy wasn't around all that much: his twin duties of counting his vast fortune, coupled with a constant state of douchebaggery, kept him understandably preoccupied. Scorpius didn't mind. And his mother, Astoria, you query? No again? Well fine, I won't tell you! Without going into too much detail, being ripped to shreds by a pack of blast-ended skrewts does not leave one much time in which to be a mother.

Now, you'd probably be wont to believe that such an upbringing would leave the child morose, friendless and yet strangely alluring. If these thoughts passed through your brain-hole than you are a fool who probably spends much time in diapers, and are some sort of mountebank! No, from a young age Scorpius learned that he had very little to be sad about in his life. Thusly, his mood was a veritable glad-bag, filled with chocolate oranges. He was kind, courteous, and always smelled of fresh lily blossoms; but because of these traits he was despised by all.

As he boarded the train leaving from Platform 9 ¾, ready to begin his first year at Hogwarts, Scorpius searched for a compartment filled with pleasant chums, warm bodies and an aura of fellowship, if you will. What he found instead were the Potter and Weasley children, who operated as a hive-mind of belligerence.

"Good day, fellow students!" chimed that intrepid spirit Scorpius.

"What's so good about it?!" grumbled James, the crotchety son of Harry Potter.

"Yeah! My dad didn't give me thousands of galleons to throw around the place!" intoned the scrawny, annoying Albus Severus Potter, whose name was part ridiculous, part ludicrous.

"But sunshine is free for all creatures of this world!" said Scorpios as he gazed out the open window with nothing but smiles on his face, a face untouched by the mark of melancholy, "You must always look on the bright side of life. For it does shines ever so bright!"

"Oi! Oo's this fagrag?" yelled Rose, by far the most monstrous (yet, in an odd fashion, innocent) of the brood.

"This here is Scorpius Malfoy," said James, "He thinks he's better than us because he's not sad all the time."

"Ask him if he's hungry," chimed in Hugo, "Cause I got a knuckled sandwich all made up for him!" He raised his hands to his chin in a pugilistic stance.

"I'm in no mood for what you're serving, friend," came the kindly words of Scorpius, "I fight with my head." Scorpius touched a pointer finger to his brow for emphasis.

"Well I'll shove that fancy 'ead of yours up my own ass if you don't bugger off down fuckso creek!" yelled the eleven year old Rose.

"Young lady, you seem to be troubled. Would you care to talk about it? I can't promise you any advice, but I would be honored to listen."

"Get him!"

The four children lifted Scorpius up by his various trappings and escorted him out of the compartment and into the bathroom where he was given a very thorough swirly. And still, Scorpius was grateful: after all, there were children in Darfur who could not afford luxuries like water.

At the feast that night, both Rose and Albus were handily sorted into Gryffindor House (the Sorting Hat inwardly sighed at how far the prestige of the houses of Potter and Weasley had fallen when it noticed Rose spitting on a student who had been sorted into Hufflepuff ). When it came Scorpius' turn, the Sorting Hat was momentarily baffled to feel the thoughts of the Malfoy child. "Interesting!" it exclaimed. "You want to be a missionary?"

"Please put me into Slytherin!" Scorpius thought hard into the cap.

"You'd get eaten alive in Slytherin, kid. It's like all the bad parts of _Shawshank_."

"I love the message of hope that movie inspires! But really, please put me in Slytherin. I want to reform it. I'll change it from the inside."

"Keep that dream tucked under your pillow, kid. I'll think you'll do well in Ravenclaw!" There was silence in the Hall as Scorpius skipped to his new table singing "Tra la la, tra la la!"

Once seated, he was accosted by a pimply, bespectacled lad. "Why are you here?" he asked.

"Well, the Hat put me here," Scorpius answered.

"No, you dolt. I mean, why are any of us here?" The boy snapped his fingers and looked importantly into the distance. "Ya dig?"

"I find that the people who spend too much time worrying about the meaning of life end up dying lonely and miserable. So I tend to focus on the here and now. Would you care for some pumpkin juice?"

The boy's face became red, and a few pimples popped under the pressure. The rest of the Sorting and meal followed a similar pattern. "What do you think of Plato's theory of absolute forms?" an inquisitive girl asked in a commanding voice.

"Well," Scorpius began, "I see little point in believing in something that cannot be comprehended by my mind when there is something that accomplishes the same things but I can perceive it. Bread?" Scorpius held up a small loaf of rye.

"What are you, a Sophist?!" a nosy prefect interjected.

"Actually, I think the Sophists had a lot to offer us philosophically. Their unfortunate penchant for commercialism should not interfere with their very valuable insights. Have you tried the soup? It's divine!"

All the students who had been sitting near Scorpius scootched away from him as though he were possessed of buboes.

On the following lovely day, Scorpius was sitting outside enjoying a few poems from William Blake's _Songs of Innocence_. "Oh Bill!" Scorius opined. "You do go on!" It was at this point those roustabouts, the Potters and Weasleys, swaggered up to him, snapping their fingers in unison and walking to an unheard rhythm.

"Oi! Cockbreath!" vile Rose shouted.

Hugo knocked the book out of Scorpius' hands.

"Hey! That belongs to the library!" Scorpius said.

"Is that right?" said James, kicking dirt in the face of Scorpius, "You think you're better than me because you can read?"

"Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry! I would be glad to tutor you after class. We could get ice cream," consoled Scorpius.

"Ee doesn't want your dairy snack, shitshoes!" cried Rose.

Albus then screamed directly into Scorpius' face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Albus! What a lovely tenor you have! Have you ever thought of joining the school chorus? I would have joined if I wasn't already preoccupied with the Humanitarian Club, and the Wizards Without Borders program."

Albus, who had never heard such kind words, visibly shrunk away into the shadows of his older family.

"Don't try to fool us with your clever rhetoric!" spat Hugo, "We just came by to tell you that you're standing on _our _part of the school!"

"Yeah, and if we ever see you 'ere again I'll tickle your balls wif me tongue!" Rose then belched loudly.

"Rose, I have the feeling that you're stuck in an early psychosexual stage. Your parents may have touched you too much when you were still an infant; or perhaps not enough. It's kinda a vague theory." offered Scorpius, "Nevertheless, I would be more than happy to hear about your problems if you ever need a shoulder upon which to rest."

"Get him!"

The four children tossed Scorius into the nearby lake, and ripped his book in half. Rose wiped her ass on the pages, and then threw them at the Malfoy.

"I understand that by hurting me you're really hurting yourselves!" yelled Scorpius from the water.

"Blow it out your steamer, sphincter tits!" said Rose, who was obviously developing a crush on the misbegotten boy.

Let us skip ahead to Christmas. Scorpius had decided to stay at school for the break because his father had gone to their vacation house in the Bahamas. It was a great place for Draco to sit back, relax (counting money is really hard when you have a lot of it), and forget that he had a son. But Scorpius made the best of this time, and kept sharp by challenging various professors to games of wizard chess. After beating, particularly badly, Headmaster, George Weasley (whose joke shop was beaten by life's most cruel joke, the folly of man), Scorpius chortled goodnaturedly, "I hear your brother Ron is very good at wizard chess. I guess it doesn't run in the family."

Headmaster Weasley flipped the board over. "One hundred points from Ravenclaw," he said, and stormed off.

"Do you want to play again later?" Scorpius called after the man.

Fast forward again to Valentines day, when a very special dance was prepared for all the students. Scorpius was never asked to the dance by any of the fine youths, but he did not mind. He instead decided to chaperone the event to make sure that everyone had a great time. It was in the middle of this gay party when a particularly slow song began to play, and everyone that didn't fancy their dance partner seriously sat down for a drink. At this time, to the surprise of all, Rose Weasley, draped in a somehow elegant dress made of burlap, came up to Scorpius and said, "'Ey! Ass ear!"

Scorpius was surprised by Rose's sudden appearance and said, "Rose! It's so good to see you!~ Are you having a good time? I was on the planning board, you know. Is that dress made of burlap? It looks heavenly!"

"Shut up, sweet tits. I'm trying to ask you something." This was Rose's attempt at being cordial. "Do you . . . wanna get down and dirty on this dance floor . . . with me?"

"Nothing would make me happier." Scorpius held out his hand, and she accepted as they walked out to the dance floor to the tune of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". "Oh Rose," he said, "the way the light glistens off your lazy eye makes me feel as though we are dancing on the Elysian Plains!"

"You talk better than a whore 'oos still got 'er teeth," she replied.

"No—_we _talk better than a whore who still has her teeth." He held her tightly and they continued to dance.

James, Hugo, and Albus, who had snuck in copious amounts of firewhiskey, marched up to the two twirling _amourettes_. "You fucking my sister?" Hugo asked sternly.

"Heavens no!" Scorpius gasped. "I have nothing but noble intentions towards your sister!"

"You can fuck a girl nobly, if you try hard enough," Professor Longbottom interjected as he passed by them, moving towards the snack table. "I should know, I've read about it. Ooh, pigs in a blanket!"

James grabbed Scorpius roughly by the collar. "Looks like we need to have a little talk outside."

"Leave 'im alone, pencil dick!" Rose yelled at her cousin. "'Ees the only one 'ere who treats me like a lady." Rose farted, causing her dress to billow upwards in the back.

The boys shoved Scorpius outside and squared off against him. "I shall not raise my hands against you," Scorpius said, making a supplicating gesture.

But then Albus pinched Rose lightly on the bare arm. "What do you think you're doing hanging out with this chump, you harlot?!"

Suddenly, Scorpius' expression became stoney, and grave. He seemed to grow an extra seven feet, and said, "A man who raises his hand to a woman is no man at all. Why, that makes me positively angry. You'll despise me when I'm angry!"

Throwing his wand to the ground, Scorius hoisted James over his head and flung him into the branches of a tree. Hugo reached for his wand, but Scorpius uppercutted him through a window before he could. Finally there was Albus, but Scorpius left him to the devises of Rose, which turned out to be the cruelest of punishments. Sufficed to say, Albus could never look at his own wand again without shuddering.

It was many a day after the events of that dance when Scorpius and Rose were walking hand in hand. He was never bothered by the three boys again, and Rose was able to get in touch with her feminine side.

"Isn't it a lovely day out?" Scorpius asked.

"It's positively unshitty!" Rose answered.

And indeed it was,the unshittiest day of them all. The day when love burns bright.

**The End**

**?**

…**..**

**?**

…**..**

**yes**

**A/N: Another story of love for everyone who loves to love. But for those out there who hate to love I'm sure you can find something to enjoy as well. Tootleoo!**


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